Overview
Assertiveness is often confused with a person who comes across as being over confident or even aggressive, but that’s not what being assertive means. Being assertive is a core skill that simply means you can express yourself in a way that people can understand what you want, whilst being aware of your boundaries, in a manner that is confident, respectful and non-aggressive.
It is a useful social skill to possess as the ability to communicate your opinions, thoughts and needs, either in the workplace or in your personal relationships, can not only boost your self-esteem but earn you the respect and admiration of others.
Benefits of being assertive
People who are assertive are less likely to be taken advantage of, suffer with stress, anxiety or depression, or find themselves the victim of bullies. This is because they are able to stand up for themselves when they are challenged and can take both negative and constructive criticism without feeling resentful or angry.
Being assertive is often associated with honesty and openness having confidence and positive feelings of self-esteem and self-worth. It’s viewed as a healthy style of communication and it can help you with the following:
· Gaining job satisfaction and success
· Developing good decision making skills
· Improving communication with others
· Problem solving
· Reducing arguments and conflict
· Feeling in control and empowered
· Building honest relationships
· Earning the respect of others
· Improving confidence and self-esteem
· Managing stressful situations
The negatives of lacking assertiveness
People who struggle to assert themselves are more likely to suffer with feelings of stress, anxiety and frustration. This is because they are unable to make people clearly understand their thoughts and opinions and what it is they want.
This can effect their self-confidence and self-esteem as well as to develop feelings of low self-worth. This is because they start to believe that their opinion no longer matters, so they don’t bother to express it and just agree to do what everyone else wants.
This can lead to people thinking that they are timid or passive so friendships or relationships can become one sided as they are taken advantage of or even bullied. Feelings of frustration and anger can start to build internally as they are unable to release them which can cause:
· Feelings of resentment
· A desire for revenge at their treatment
· Stress, anxiety or depression
· Doubting their judgment
· Feeling like a victim
How to become more assertive
Assertiveness is a learned behaviour, so whilst it might not be easy it is possible to become more assertive. It’s about finding the right balance between being passive, not assertive enough, and aggressive, over assertive or arrogant.
Use assertive body language:
· Look the person in the eye
· Keep your face and body relaxed
· Try to breathe normally
· Keep your posture straight
Use positive statements:
· I want
· I need
· I feel
· I disagree
Don’t speak too quietly or loudly, but at a normal level and don’t interrupt them when they speak, as you need to show empathy for their opinion. Learn to say no to people, start off with small things or practice on friends and family, do it in a positive way, you don’t have to say they are wrong just that you disagree, and you don’t have to justify your reasons.
You need to accept that your wants and needs are just as valid as anyone else’s and to learn to express them in a clear and calm manner, whilst keeping your emotions in check.
If despite your best efforts you are still struggling to become more assertive then you might benefit from having therapy. There are a variety of therapies available that can help you build your confidence, self-esteem and self-worth as well as improve public speaking, including talking therapies and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Written by Jan, Jeana and Wendy at Barnsley Hypnosis and Counselling (UK). For more free information click above link.
